Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Love life updates 2
I'm currently at the end of my 3rd summer semester at GPC and this week is the last week of school/ finals week. I am pulling an all nigher because its the only way I feel I can really complete all this work I have for my math class.
Why is it I always fall for someone in my math classes? Dating back to high school, no, scratch that, 8th grade in middle school, up until now it seems some guy always comes along AT THE END of a math class. What the hell. I feel like God is giving me an additional reason why math will forever suck to me.
Back to this update of my love life; Just yesterday, I initiated some wannabe relationship with my ex boyfriend, twice removed, Theo, ended a wannabe fling with my more recent Hispanic guy interest, Sanchez, and took a long awaited step forward toward a wanna get to know you with my one year crush from school, Sajid; all in the same day. My morning went from upsetting and frustrating to happy and spontaneous, and ended with warmth and comfort. All in the midst of this, my time was being raped by algebra. Like geez, I can't even enjoy or bask in what shit was going on today. ~le sigh.
Anyway, I was and still am pretty distraught over Sanchez, but that shall be another entry. All due to Sajid, nothing else has really crossed my mind. This guy is just so... fucking alluring. To say the least, admitting how smitten I am by him would be an understatement. First of all, he's an absolutely gorgeous human being, with a hipster sense of style. Which only some hipsters turn me on, and they'd have to be full on pulling it off, which he isn't. However, I'm glad he isn't, because if he had a legit, mature sense of style, I'd really be in danger. Like, one of those, oh-shit-my-vagina-slipped-and-fell-on-your-penis accidents. Can't have that shit.
I think my hopeless romanticism is being magnified sevenfold and it sucks because I can't seem to function. Ever sinse I talked with this guy, I haven't been able to stop replaying everything in my head, and can't stop anticipating seeing him again. How easily I fall really pisses me off most times. Plus, I tend to build up this perceived idea of the person I'm into, and it usually gets broken. Plus, I know nothing about the guy to even be into him like that. It's really annoying how guy crazy I've been in the past 2 years.
But I've learned to except it and enjoy it before I can't anymore. To be honest, there's no other feeling like the feeling you get around someone you're into. For instance, how you feel anxious, shaky, and on edge, but at the same time you get this rush of adrenaline that sends butterflies to the pit of your stomach? Or how you light up at the same time you're super uneasy? There's only two other feelings I can relate this too, and it's the same feeling a person gets being on stage, or having a really bad high lol. It sort of sucks, but it's a very distinctive, overtaking, feeling.
Enough of that. Time to bask in more of Sajid's glory until I throw up all over my monitor from nauseating myself too much. So sadly, I regret not spending more time finding out all I could about this guy. We were crunching time doing math work while we spoke, but I still feel like I could of easily got a lot more out of him and made a deeper impression on him as well. The only thing I really got out of him was SUPER basic, and that was him name, which I already knew, and giving him my name; which happens to be the same as his sisters. That was the best Intel, since I feel he has no reason to ever forget me now. Which sucks because I waited until the VERY last class to talk to his kid. I have like two great chances before, but blew them. I get one more chance on the day of the final, but that leads me no where. It doesn't help that his shorter, less hot, intimidating, cock blocking
clone friend gets in the fucking way. His friend seems like he's a very cool, down to earth guy too, when he's not cock blocking like a motherfucker. I noticed today he seems to have his head on his shoulders possibly more than Sajid, and leading him to greatness. Buuuut... he's gotten in my way too much for me to even continue with good judgement -_-
Sigh, I really hope something more could come from seeing him on Thursday though. I don't know how I'll survive not seeing him for a month :( Especially since I don't know if he'll even be here next fall.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Finally feeling 21~
I realized just this morning I've been mourning the death of my love life for a long period now, and unlike normal, I haven't just recovered from it. I don't know what it is... I've never felt I wanted someone to be there so badly before, but to tell the truth, it's fucking scary! I've always been the well grounded one, and couldn't understand my friends who were always so needy of someone, always tied to the drama and over-exaggeration of "being with someone", and the splintering grief of parting from that someone. I have experienced plenty of those very situations, but I always knew mine had some sort of expiration date, or that I'd fall out of that phase some way or another. I mean, what am I if nothing BUT a hopeless romantic that day dreams day in and day out about "that person", but I never really took meeting "that person" seriously. I knew the guys I was into weren't eligible. Hell, deep down, I wasn't even hoping for them to be. However, now, I don't know if it's because I'm aging or simply my surroundings are being grouped into couples, but I'm feeling really depressed about not having someone of my own... at all.
Honestly I've been feeling like this for a while.. but I think it's only just now hit me. Because before, I could always keep myself busy with friends, classmates, school, studying, drama, and other bits of life. Those things never failed to occupy my mind from wandering off into a lonely, emo abyss. But now I feel the lifestyle I've become very comfortable and accustomed to, starting to drift away. I can't find myself so easily satisfied with new shiny toys. I want substance! Substance that is a BRAND NEW fork in the road; a job, relying on myself, graduating and attending GSU, traveling, more spontaneous trips, a camera, some REAL photography opportunities, getting my own place, driving, and getting my fucking license!
Ladies and gentlemen, I finally feel 21. I feel new responsibilities are the only thing that can change my life. And I AM at the age to do it. I feel like the damn free spirited Sagittarius my fellow sag sister is always talking about haha x) But I feel like I've been holding back on this person... and I'm feeling the after shock of doing so for so long. I'm feeling the regret of being soooo comfortably wound up in my own little world, just rolling with the punches. Well... that's perfectly fine and all and has pleased me thus far, but at this point, after having time to actually sit down and think, I can't continue on this path much longer. Not because I can't, but because I'm just... tired. I mean the things I want are honestly things I should have already had! So possibly that's another reason I want them more than ever.
Upon walking this new path, I am100% more positive about a great person coming along. So I'll try not to let it bring me down. Instead, I will really work to achieve these goals, and await meeting "this someone". :) At the end of the day, I know for a fact I will be happy acquiring any one of these things, so I WILL be alright~ ♥
Labels: life, school
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Friday NIght Outing
Mother managed to basically ruin my night nearly again... sigh. Can't take this women no where, I swear. Finally went to Nori Nori tonight, and later to a jazz lounge to see Chandra Currelley. She was perfect! Absolutely amazing, but I was more mesmorized by the talented musicians. Omg I swear in another life, I could be a groupie.. these people are way too talented and don't receive enough respect. The pianist caught my eye the most, he was too cute!! His name was Xavier :) It seems every night I'm out with my parents, the last time being at a comedy club and restaurant, there's always some fucking sexy man apart of the show, and I can't freely be a flirt because they're there... ahhh, God's wish I suppose. Smh.
Anyway my mom had a fit twice and would not leave it alone, as if she was trying to show off -.- And the second time she was tispy, so it was even more intense than the first time. Each time it was at the end of enjoyable night. Like when we left Nori Nori, I couldn't rest and enjoy what I had left because she had a fit. Then last, after the jazz lounge, which was REALLY an event one has to sit and relive, she had a fit. And that just did it for me even more, because I really enjoyed various things about my time and she just snatched it all away. Now I really can't wait to get away from her ass this summer. I really hope I can. I love my mom, but as long as things work out and she's healthy, I can't wait to step out of this country. Can't even go to another City and enjoy something without it being spoiled, so I'd be dammed if I let her cruel ass ruin my potential trip to Tokyo.
Labels: events, life
Friday, January 13, 2012
Girls I do Adore/ Mother Dearest
For a long while now, especially after I got more involved with Sanchez and more around guys wanting to be involved with me at school, I know I really wanted to be with a guy, but guys keep fucking disappointing me and letting me down.. or there's always my own excuse like not having enough time for them, but recently I've been paying attention to every girl I could see myself with or just oddly attractive chick >_> Like random cute girls on campus or on the bus home and to campus. There was this one really pretty chick on the bus while I was on the way home, she wasn't girly at all actually. She could pass for a stud maybe, a stem definitely, had the healthiest and prettiest face and skin! And her Facial piercings and locks were really cute on her. I kept imagining her in a rock style, lol, because she seems like that kind of girl. I like femmes but I wouldn't mind a girl like that at all as I'm internally just like that~ or secretly want to be. Anyway, the biggest reason I find this recent fixation an issue is because I know there's a big possibility I'm going to Japan this summer. And while I KNOW I'm going to be tripping all over the hot guys, it somehow slipped my mind that I'm into Asian, of not mainly Japanese girls -.- Siiigh~ none of the people I'm traveling with are comfortable with that, they're hardly comfortable with me going off with a guy. But not being able to openly enjoy the women seems to be the biggest joy kill to me about this trip, seriously. I mean, If I were going with people more into the things I were or share a similar state of mind as I, we could take my mind off of it easily and spend our time enjoying other things, but they aren't T__T I just don't know what I'm going to do. My only attempt to salavge this is acting as my professional self, being a photographer, and just attempt to shoot with all the hotties, including the guys ahaha~ I know being separated from the group in Japan where it works in my favor is a huge none realistic plead, but that happening at least once when It really needs to, would be great lord. x/
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My mother has never been an overly nosy mother like some of my friends or mothers are portrayed on TV. There's a lot of things she may know and just ignore, most likely, but then again I think there's a lot she totally in denial or unaware of. I realized during my entire 21 years of life, I've always lived around her completely open and had to wait until she was away or not around to do any different. In other words, my lame internet life or personality around my friends, everything was open to her as long as it was appropriate. So unappropriated things were always hidden. But what I just now realized is, somethings shouldn't even have been so open to her. Like during my 21 years in this world, my room was always open, door never closed. But that's not fair.. I should be able to shut out people if I want. All day yesterday evening I was minding my own business in my bed spending hours day dreaming and fantasizing like I usually do. But I haven't done this in a while, so I really felt like doing so. I could not engage in my thoughts because it seemed every 10 fucking minutes my mother would be coming upstairs bothering the hell out of me. Okay.. damn, I know my life at home only consists of the computer and all, but who the hell is she to be wondering what else I'm doing. Leave me the hell alone. At first I thought she was coming upstairs to get something for herself, but the last 4 times she quietly came up the stairs to see what I was doing, always asking me, "Are you texting?? What are you doing up here??" All four times. -___- WTF WOMAN. And today I go upstairs leaving the computer with nothing on it, and she suspiciously asks me, "Are you going to bed?" Like the ONLY thing I could be doing upstairs for a long period of time is sleeping.. -.- siiiigh!
Well first of all... what kills me is, do you REALLY want to know what I am or could be doing? No way, I know she doesn't.. so why the hell are you questioning me instead of assuming it's something dirty and leaving me alone?! lool. Seriously. I mean, are you that oblivious or are you just a cock blocker? I think a cock blocker.. because there's been various time through out the years of me being upstairs and she calls me for something random to do, as if she's mad I left her alone or doesn't want me to have healthy "me time". But I've recently realized she's out of her place doing shit like that, and how I shouldn't have to provide her with some excuse or lie as to why I'm minding MY business on my own.
I never thought about closing the door to my room before, mainly because she would become even more suspicious thinking something bad was going on behind the door, then interrupt even more or questions me even more; however, the more I think about it, WHO CARES. Because at the end of the day, it's annoying for me to continue giving explanations for normal shit, or looking over my shoulder every 5 seconds, or making sure my ears are hawk sharp listening out for any sneaking people! If I wanna be in my room, I can. That's my only place of privacy, so why do I need a reason to want privacy? Pffffft. I'm over that shit. I'm 21 years old now, and these people wonder why I need my own place or why I'm always going out doing things with people. I'm ALWAYS home, and never get privacy to do the things I want here, what do you think!?
Labels: life, school
Japan Trip This Summer ♥
Things I don't like so far; skeptical things financially and personally. Plans there. What I think about shopping money. What I wish~ problems i'll run into that sucks.. what i wear, my freedom : /
Labels: events, japan, life
First week of Spring Sememster
My classes/ teachers, people, new relationships, old relationships, ppl leaving this semester, my fashion, etc.
Labels: school
Monday, January 02, 2012
New Kdrama 2012
Opening the year not yet ending one Korean Drama I started, Flower Boy Ramyun Shop, because it's nearly done and I'm not ready for the story to be over! So having the worst tolerance for ending stories I deeply enjoy, I delay the ending like regularly until I'm tired of waiting and wondering what happens. By that time i'm usually half way into another drama, anime, or done with a movie or two to throw me off track.
So with the opening of 2012, the Kdrama used to hold off F.B.R.S so far has been incredibly awesome! It's irrelevantly called 'What's Up?', but it's proven so far to be exactly what's up. I totally ran into it by chance, but DO NOT regret because It's a drama I have wanting for a while. A drama where serious over acting, ridiculous aegyo, sappy cliche love, and unrealistic situations that Kdramas usually dish out doesn't exist. Thank the Heavens! I was not expecting something so great and intense!! Gosh this show is emotionally intense! In a good way~ :3
I was attracted to this drama because of the typical 'performing arts school students and their dreams trying to make it in the industry' storyline that I enjoyed in other dramas like Dream High, or have heard about in so many others. What's Up? also has lead roles from top idols like Daesung from Big Bang and such. So like a fan I had to check it out and see what else my idols are good at~ ^^ ahaha ♥ But this story is completely new and compelling on it's own, with a lot of realistic drama, background stories and their development during the show. These characters consist of gangsters and thugs, abandoned children with secret lives, drunken teachers, drop outs, traditional cruel senior students, mysteriously cool students, murderers, child prodigies, fighters, actual celebrities, people running from the police, women with hard lives, all brought together with violence, screaming, fucked up situations, death, music, dance, acting, talent, harsh teachers, illegal actions and team spirit! All in the span of only 5 episodes into the drama!! DAMN I'M SOLD. I mean first of all, just alone by not being that typical cheesy, warm, weak, Kdrama, this show is A-mazing. I mean when people want to be mean in this drama, oh they're really cruel and blunt. They don't play around in none of the situations. But they still have the sweet innocence in some characters you'll find in your everyday kdrama, buuuut, everything is real and not over acted. Every ounce of this drama so far is very close to real life to me, which is usually NOT what Kdramas are, to be fruitfully honest. Yes there are some sloppy developments in the story so far; Some stories or events you forget about due to other circumstances coming along and taking you to a new story, or another story not being finished off before then; however, the characters and stories are so interesting, plus the events you know have to happen and be revealed later keeps you watching patiently~ Only 5 episodes in and already I'm this pleased. I don't know, maybe I'm biased, blinded by all the bad ass bluntness and charisma these characters have I'm not use to in Kdrama or something. Either way, I watch with much anticipation, and recommend this drama wholeheartedly ^^
Labels: korean, reviews, videos
Sunday, January 01, 2012
New Years Eve and 2012
what i wanted to do, what i agreed to do, sams calling, what i did, my mom and how i feel now about my mom, my talk with gio opening my eyes about my future; feeling lost or at a brick wall.
Labels: events, life
Mixed and Uneasy Feelings
post about sanchez possibly having a thing with marteshus and how he acted in the past and how i feel about him and her. How I know my feelings for him were strong due to my connections with him and the fact that i want a fairy tale; watch too much korean drama.
which is funny because.. talk about my recent strange interest in the guy from that boutique store... how i have a problem with setting a story line up and leading my feelings based on my imagination, and wishing that things go the way i want them to. Being too dreamy with my head in the clouds.
Labels: life
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas 2011
Christmas Eve I awoke to my menstrual cycle and I was already sick with whatever has been wrong with me.. ehh.. mother nature granting me with her share of lumps of coal? I'm just a tiny bit glad I did come on though, so it won't exactly bother my new years plans.... if those even work out in my favor. Late Christmas morning I had the most pleasant sleep though! Most likely the best present I could receive. Haven't had a warm, deep, comfortable sleep like that one in too long of a time. First dosed off listening to my "relax" mp3 playlist on my phone, containing things like French melodic music, smooth jazz, Asian chants, emotional indie rock, dark orchestra music, and a wider variety of soothing tunes :) Before you know it I was sound asleep and awoke around 8am to a light rainy Christmas morning; first one awake.
The entire week I had not been looking forward to Christmas. If you were to ask me, it didn't even feel like Christmas was nearing. But that very morning for some reason I was hit with warm spirits which I wanted to share with everyone. I knew it was too early to wake my family, so I spent two hours cozy in my warm bed texting nearly everyone and their mother sweet Christmas messages lol. It seems even the people I didn't really favor, stopped talking to, and have had recent problems with I forgave, because I sent them warm honest greetings too. Some rocky relationships with some I payed an apology to and hoped they have been good. All didn't respond with such kind or honest words, but I really didn't mind. I just was deep in the spirit, which is very odd for me, haha, but it made me feel great, spreading positivity and giving to others. This year, my family received more gifts than I, and I was alright with that, because I wanted to give back to them. I'm actually wishing I would of or could of given more, actually. All I really wanted was to have an enjoyable time with them, which I did, but this lasted for a short time.
I was in the middle of having a really nice laugh with my mom after a long period of joking around, talking with her, my aunt and my uncle about old memories. My mother and I are really close, but she's not really interested in things in my personal life at all, so it's seldom we talk about my interests and she's actually into it. She ended up asking about something that had to do with Japanese and we began a very serious talk with my uncle about it. I was enjoying the conversation a lot, so much that I went to show her somethings upstairs, but when I got back, she was talking to my other aunt over the phone so I waited patiently for her to finish. I was really anxious to continue our conversation! But she went off for over an hour or so and I over heard her doing what she normally ends up doing with my aunt... talking shit, about her other sister and myself. Now I'm in a slump and pissed off because I was having a really nice time, and it's Christmas day, but you go off and gossip about me to the person who doesn't even really like me. I had been fine all day and excepting of a lot I normally don't. To remind you, I'm also still sickly and dealing with cramps, and emotional, so that really crushed my spirit. I don't even want to be around her now. And I started thinking in my normal spoiled ways about the presents she gave me this year. Well first off, I turned 21 this year. My birthday, which is suppose to be the most joyous, was the WORST, and she didn't even get me anything for it or sympathized with me. I wasn't expecting anything for Christmas, but the things she did give me reflected her fake disinterest and the more I thought about it, it pissed me off.
I'm into Photography, I have been for a while. But it's not new to me at all, and I'm at a stage where the only thing you can give to me to help me along is a better camera, or a decent editing program. Instead, she gives me a beginners book on taking pictures of people. -_- First off, I already took and passed plus a photography class where I already have two books on photography that are way more advanced than the one she gave me. How could you not know that already.. buying that book is either an insult to me or letting me know you never pay attention to what I do or show you. Next, she gets me a Calendar full of Japanese paintings. Which is nice if it was anything like the style of art I actually like, or I was in need of a calender! I'm a 21 year old, smart phone wielding, intermediate Japanese student. Why would you not get me a nice English to Japanese dictionary, or a nice poster of my favorite Japanese artist, or a cheap CD of a Japanese singer I like or don't know of, or a cheap calligraphy brush for my Kanji I had mentioned all semester, or a Japanese app for my phone, or something Japanese styled I can actually use, since that's what you were going for. What the hell do I want with a calendar? Maybe if you never got me one before that would be a nice novelty of beautiful artwork, but I already have that and this was nothing like the style she already knows I would like. How would you not know that, mom? Pfft. Major fail. But, the messed up thing about that is, I didn't care about that then, because I was more happy that she loved her gifts, and spending a nice time with her before she started conversing with that evil women. Wtf did I do to deserve such harsh words? And why would you even be talking about that today after receiving such wonderful gifts and having such a nice time? Pfft. Don't even get me started on how she insisted on me getting my aunt an expensive gift set of body stuff from her favorite brand. I already knew what my aunt wanted! She isn't interested in crap like that, and I saw it in her dissatisfied face when she opened it! Making me waste my money, that she shit was not cheap! Shes the one that pushed me to get it and wants to talk shit about me always buying things or being a bad daughter or some crap. Now she wants to act like she's so concerned with what's wrong, like I didn't hear you talking shit about me, get the hell out of here. Whatever, I'm done with it.
Having the Christmas spirit was nice while it shortly lasted, and I still hope everyone else had an enjoyable time~
Labels: events, life
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Biggest disappointment + friends
Talk about Korean class and final drama, talk about new info from today and what will happen and my conclusions to what i wanna do with the class.. talk about Gio. Talk about tae and quesa yesterday's drama and what i think of them.
Labels: korean, life, school
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Nori Nori, Ice Skating, and expenses?!
Talk about today's fun~ talk about dentist and money and trip I wanna do over the summer :/
Labels: events, life, school
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Finals; Bye bye Fall Semester
Labels: life, school
