Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The Stubborn One
I question myself more than others question this particular moral.
I'm known by my longer or closer friends that I'll put myself through quite a large amount of unfair treatment by another person I care for to make their life easier. In no regards to how much it's wrong to me, I have no selfish intentions when making them happier. I'll try and try and try, and continue to until they realize what they need to.
It's a very stressful and sad value. I think it's nothing but being stupid and stubborn. People don't understand why I do it, for I don't truly understand why I do it. I just know I'll do everything in my power to better someone. I've been in about 5 different situations with 5 different people I was close to, where I hurt myself mentally trying to better them.
Three were close friends, one was just a friend, and one was a boyfriend. Most recently was my ex boyfriend. Well, while we dated I was like that a lot. I don't know, I think I have some sort of belief that if people just talk things out and see things from different perspectives like I do and learn to do things for the better and respect the other person, they'll learn that the negative energy they put out is basically pointless and shouldn't even happen so often. While I say this so easily, this is not wisely done. It's actually more stressful thinking in someone else's shoes, because you never truly know a person. You may have no earthly idea what they take "seriously" or what they think is important and not. People have different logic and other morals, so it's very difficult talking over a problem. Especially when angry.
I've had 3 of my closes friends mistreat me VERY badly. Like.. in ways where a normal person who have dropped them way back and wouldn't of thought twice about it. But me.. I've been told I think too much. And indeed I do. I think about why they did what they did, which leads me questioning things and wanting answers, and then giving scenarios on how things could have been. Hm... explaining it like that, I feel pretty pathetic and run over. And now that I think about it, it's not like I actually maintained a great relationship with any of these people. I failed. It really hurts me when I tried so hard and see it makes no difference to them. I guess I'm pretty dumb. I don't know how to let things go. Always trying to find a better solution instead of just giving up. Why? Not like these people are that important. There's no way in hell they care about me as much as I care for them. And I know this.. so why the hell do I continue to be nice to them? Why do I continue to care and worry about them? Why do I let them over look MY feelings, overlook my hard work and appreciation? Why doesn't this anger me? How can I have the patience and strength to worry about someone else's well-being before myself? Can a person really be too nice for their own good, or rather that idiotic?!
I honestly hate this quality of mine. I wish I were cold hearted. Then I wouldn't cry so much... then I could relax a little and worry about me. I hate it. I hate love. For I never recieve as much as I dish out.
Labels: life, school
