Saturday, June 02, 2007
Inside my Heart.. What the Hell?!?!
My god, i'm gonna fucking crack!! I am so fed up with stress. I'm so fed up with me. I'm doing everything so wrong.. why do these things keep happening to me?! I'm so sick. I keep breaking out in these.. horrible swells all over my body. Well.. not everywhere yet, but it's practically getting there. It burns a bit, but mainly kind of itches and it's always red and irritated looking. It's been like this for like... two months? I think.. maybe since like the end of April.. yeah! That entry I wrote about my tonsils?? And then the follow up in the Entry 'May Flowers'? Let me say this now, IT WAS TOTALLY NOT STREP THROAT!
My tonsils were swollen again on the opposite side.. like the other day. I keep getting swells all over me! It's so sickening!! I went to the doctor, they took my blood. They said I was fine! What the hell?! I have this shit in my scalp.. my hair is breaking and falling out. And this crap.. It's like dandruff, but it's not! It's completely the ugliest shit you've ever seen, I wanna throw up. It doesn't burn, it doesn't itch.. it's just there! In these oily patches of crud. Flakes every where. It's horrible. I've used treatments, medicated shampoos, been to a derm, no one tells me anything! And it keeps coming back!! I keep washing my hair.. it's like worse every time!
Oh, let's top something else off on this freak show. I have scoliosis all of a fucking sudden. Known for 3 years? It was fine then, but it's bad now? Oh, my bones are completely killing me.. I can't exercise how I want to anymore. Oh! And guess what? The doctors don't know where THIS came from either! I need surgery now?! I suck! I completely suck! They told me to do yoga for the scoliosis.. what do I do? Try.. and quit. What happens? Everybody hates me, and it gets worse. I'm 12% flexible out of 100% -__- The bone Doctor starts lying to me. Oh, first visit it's very bad. They mention surgery. Next visit, "Oh! She's exactly the same as last time! No worry at all." Oh.. okay. Except last time you said it was horrible and if I didn't get surgery it would worsen and make it much harder! So all of a sudden that's nothing to worry about? -___- Why is my life being toyed with? Why?
Then there's my social life and personal life. Oh, nothing much. Fake friends, horrible friends, the best friends in the world are illegal.. they run off, never see or hear from them again. Sorry family that are the most selfish cheap skate people in the world. Don't care about your feelings at all. Sorry classmates, sorry surroundings, abusive guys, take advantage of you boyfriends, stupid teachers, horrible life. And yet, so many people supposedly love me, I have no one to love. My mom is the only one. But she can't love me like I want her too. She's too selfish. God? I don't pray. I should be, with all this. But for some reason.. I just feel it's too late. I failed. I can't believe in that. Religion. It never dawned on me. I can't believe in anything anymore. I can't have hope.. it always is taken away from me. Probably because I don't really fight for it. I hate that i'm this way. But I don't even try to help myself. And I keep asking why I am under so much. Why don't I try? Am I that lazy?? Is it possible? What's wrong with me?
And who would of thought just yesterday I had such high notions about being happy? Huh, life. I'm so tired of it. I wish I could skip over the little details and rush through the problems, heading straight to where I'll be, when i'm making my living a difference. But I have to wait. And sit through it. All of it. Every second.. of this "childhood." Why? So I can continue making wrong decisions? Screw childhood! I lost that happiness when I was old enough to care for myself.
That's not 18 when you let go, like they say it is. It's at about 10. Right there. When your age is no longer a single number. That's when you're old enough to realize. It's all on me now. I remember, my life changed. Right out of elementary school. It all ended there. And I can't fix it. I have to sit through these teen years and hope I can finally travel. I can afford my own things. Hmph. People always talking about future. Well, what happens when you get off at a bad start? The beginning? I'm really sick of waiting to see what happens. I rather just end it all together. And end up dead, like I would be anyway even if I did sit through. But no.. i'm way too anxious. I'd be sick wondering what could of happened, right? Well this is why life completely and intuitively sucks.
I think... the only thing, or answer to all this. It's in my mind.. I always think of someone coming and making it all easy for me. I want someone to save me. Because i'm too pathetic to save myself. I want someone to rely on. Sure, i'll give up. But I can try later. I'll feel all happy and satisfied. And think I was just under stress and talking nonsense. But I know that this is truth. It's out for me to realize. I failed myself already. And I'm being punished. I am truly weak. Weaker than I thought I could be. And I can't be any stronger. Oh God, i'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be independent. I always use to let myself believe that I needed bad things, so I can become strong for the worse. So I could be ready to help someone. But who would of ever thought in a situation like this I'd be needing the help for myself. And just keep wasting it away. Oh please don't let me wake up without someone. I really need you.
Labels: life
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Ideas and Appologies :P
I'm so sorry Oranje! I can be such an air head sometimes.. really. x/ I shouldn't have worried you with that message.. but I can't be fully blamed. I miss my BB so much.. and even though I know she's busy, I get sad when she breaks promises. BB you said you were gonna start coming around more, that was like Mid April you made that promise. I get you're busy and things come first, but the only thing that gets me is usually when you promise something, you mean it. But you haven't been lately. A lot actually. And you won't even owe me an explanation. Like after you returned from Bangkok, and when you were sick.. i'm starting to feel like Hachi more and more.
But the long pause between SMSing, I was distracted by Dewi x] I was all sad before I saw that dress. lol.. a lot of ideas popped in my head on what and how I could wear it, x3 Haha, I completely forgot about SMSing you..I was also thinking before that about a doujinshi (amateur manga) kinda based on a true story but added fairytale and fiction things. It would be like the situation with me and Ni (former Chinese classmate) mixed with you and I, but then other things. Then the fairy tale part, there's an actual princess, lol, who's naive and spoiled but not happy. A lot of other pawns. The friendship between this princess and someone of lower class but yet wiser that her.. kinda mixes with the strong friendship of NANA; Nana and Hachi.. I like just finished watching NANA, lol. But you know i'm always comparing me and you to Nana and Hachi.. but instead of that, with their friendship, there's a boundary. Like they live across the world from each other or whatever. Areku and I are always coming up with stories and doujinshies, so this would be something i'd love to work on :) And since i wanted to make the big dramatic thing the wide space between them, I wanted it named something starting with Postcards from.. but it can change..
ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS FOR A TITLE OR SUPPORTING IDEAS, MORE CHARACTER EXAMPLES, ISSUES?? Comment this, or e-mail me, DO NOT message me on my C-box, unless it's a question before stating an idea. I'd love your opinion. :]
Anyway.. i'm off. Dewi, i'm totally using that dress for character clothing design, lol. Seriously, that's a good idea I think. I am pacing together everything I like after all, lol. Love you BB!! Oh! And I will get to your fan-sign AS SOON as I get my hair done ;>
Monday, May 28, 2007
4 more days until June :D
Hey! I've been like really really lazy and busy, so I haven't posted in a while. Really since May 11th because that May 20th entry was saved as a draft then I just posted it. o.o Well.. what have I been up to? The last day of school was 3 days ago (May 25th) :] I made three crazy short videos.. one of me being cute.. one of my friend Keoni being a retard, and one of my classmates. Took only like three pictures..
