Friday, January 13, 2012
Girls I do Adore/ Mother Dearest
For a long while now, especially after I got more involved with Sanchez and more around guys wanting to be involved with me at school, I know I really wanted to be with a guy, but guys keep fucking disappointing me and letting me down.. or there's always my own excuse like not having enough time for them, but recently I've been paying attention to every girl I could see myself with or just oddly attractive chick >_> Like random cute girls on campus or on the bus home and to campus. There was this one really pretty chick on the bus while I was on the way home, she wasn't girly at all actually. She could pass for a stud maybe, a stem definitely, had the healthiest and prettiest face and skin! And her Facial piercings and locks were really cute on her. I kept imagining her in a rock style, lol, because she seems like that kind of girl. I like femmes but I wouldn't mind a girl like that at all as I'm internally just like that~ or secretly want to be. Anyway, the biggest reason I find this recent fixation an issue is because I know there's a big possibility I'm going to Japan this summer. And while I KNOW I'm going to be tripping all over the hot guys, it somehow slipped my mind that I'm into Asian, of not mainly Japanese girls -.- Siiigh~ none of the people I'm traveling with are comfortable with that, they're hardly comfortable with me going off with a guy. But not being able to openly enjoy the women seems to be the biggest joy kill to me about this trip, seriously. I mean, If I were going with people more into the things I were or share a similar state of mind as I, we could take my mind off of it easily and spend our time enjoying other things, but they aren't T__T I just don't know what I'm going to do. My only attempt to salavge this is acting as my professional self, being a photographer, and just attempt to shoot with all the hotties, including the guys ahaha~ I know being separated from the group in Japan where it works in my favor is a huge none realistic plead, but that happening at least once when It really needs to, would be great lord. x/
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My mother has never been an overly nosy mother like some of my friends or mothers are portrayed on TV. There's a lot of things she may know and just ignore, most likely, but then again I think there's a lot she totally in denial or unaware of. I realized during my entire 21 years of life, I've always lived around her completely open and had to wait until she was away or not around to do any different. In other words, my lame internet life or personality around my friends, everything was open to her as long as it was appropriate. So unappropriated things were always hidden. But what I just now realized is, somethings shouldn't even have been so open to her. Like during my 21 years in this world, my room was always open, door never closed. But that's not fair.. I should be able to shut out people if I want. All day yesterday evening I was minding my own business in my bed spending hours day dreaming and fantasizing like I usually do. But I haven't done this in a while, so I really felt like doing so. I could not engage in my thoughts because it seemed every 10 fucking minutes my mother would be coming upstairs bothering the hell out of me. Okay.. damn, I know my life at home only consists of the computer and all, but who the hell is she to be wondering what else I'm doing. Leave me the hell alone. At first I thought she was coming upstairs to get something for herself, but the last 4 times she quietly came up the stairs to see what I was doing, always asking me, "Are you texting?? What are you doing up here??" All four times. -___- WTF WOMAN. And today I go upstairs leaving the computer with nothing on it, and she suspiciously asks me, "Are you going to bed?" Like the ONLY thing I could be doing upstairs for a long period of time is sleeping.. -.- siiiigh!
Well first of all... what kills me is, do you REALLY want to know what I am or could be doing? No way, I know she doesn't.. so why the hell are you questioning me instead of assuming it's something dirty and leaving me alone?! lool. Seriously. I mean, are you that oblivious or are you just a cock blocker? I think a cock blocker.. because there's been various time through out the years of me being upstairs and she calls me for something random to do, as if she's mad I left her alone or doesn't want me to have healthy "me time". But I've recently realized she's out of her place doing shit like that, and how I shouldn't have to provide her with some excuse or lie as to why I'm minding MY business on my own.
I never thought about closing the door to my room before, mainly because she would become even more suspicious thinking something bad was going on behind the door, then interrupt even more or questions me even more; however, the more I think about it, WHO CARES. Because at the end of the day, it's annoying for me to continue giving explanations for normal shit, or looking over my shoulder every 5 seconds, or making sure my ears are hawk sharp listening out for any sneaking people! If I wanna be in my room, I can. That's my only place of privacy, so why do I need a reason to want privacy? Pffffft. I'm over that shit. I'm 21 years old now, and these people wonder why I need my own place or why I'm always going out doing things with people. I'm ALWAYS home, and never get privacy to do the things I want here, what do you think!?
Labels: life, school
