Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Feeling Hopeless :(
I'm sort of crushed right now.. I need to stop making myself believe things will get better. I may just have to face reality and see that me and my BF aren't going to make it. He's always had a thing about him that seems he's never been happy being with me so... I mean, I can't take just ignoring it, even if it's not entirely true. I know for a fact that he can't possibly like me.. why? There's plenty other girls way more interesting than me, much more attractive, more entertaining, more fun, easier to hang with, easier to talk with, more stylist and approachable. Not lame and boring and weird and dull like me.. I still don't know why he ever liked me. But it made me happy. It was exciting and lovely. Things now....... i seriously don't know how they even got to that point. Was it him, was it me? What went wrong? I know all this time I was blaming him, and it was mostly true all the time, but recently, I've realized how he could be so cold. I'm not worth fighting for. Not to him. Not anymore. Not when there's plenty better. And in that case, the only reason why he's holding on is because of my feelings. I keep telling myself it'll change, but.. i just doubt it. This.. this is worthless. I was much less in pain being single and lonely than dealing with having someone struggle to stay with me.. than being with a guy that can't stand me.
Why? Just leave me.. why don't you just leave? It'll be good for us.. you don't have to worry about me. Be happy. I'll be fine.. i'll last.. i'll last...... but.. if we keep toying with each others emotions, if we keep lying to our hearts.. neither of us will be happy. Atleast one of us will huh? I won't hold a grudge.. I won't hate you. I'll just leave. That'll make it all better. No more screw ups. Isn't that what you want??
Labels: life
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Homecoming week ahead..
Distraught: deeply agitated especially from emotion.
Yeah... that's what i'm feeling.
Today was a wasteful day. Actually, most of this whole week was wasteful, starting with Wednesday. Today was our coronation and I've especially been anticipating it since two weeks ago, for I was to perform in it by singing. All the days leading up to the Coronation, starting Wednesday, I started practicing my song that the person over it, Mr. Carter, gave me, Beyonce - Flaws and All.
I had 2 days to learn it fully and one day to practice my performance. I went through hell studying that song and preparing for the Coronation. But in the end, some new girl from California, Kiera, ended up taking my place and singing my song, only because she had a better performance, might I add was absent at the actual Coronation. So was her song... since she served it no justice.. I would go into how wasting my time really pissed me the hell off.. but that's not what currently bothers me.
What been going on for like a month now and over, me and my boyfriend have been having A LOT of down falls. What makes it even worse, after we settle it, it doesn't even last a day before we (really he..) act like bastards to each other. This last talk.. I really thought he'd be better finally. Especially since I let him know I don't feel like a girlfriend at all, and how he pays more attention to his friends, females and guys, than his own girlfriend. He understood, and so I thought.
The only reason I went to Coronation was for him, my friends, for the hell of it, and to see how it went. Mainly the first two. So the fact that I was still pissed about being booted out of Coronation, and I still busted my ass to be there for them, and that shit still didn't turn out good for me. AT ALL. Another thing, an outfit wasted :/ But more importantly, the ONE thing I would of liked is to at least get a picture of my friends, and be welcomed by my BF. I didn't get to see any of them, and the pictures I did take, were messed up. Then, I know my BF was tired and bothered, but he acted like a total ass. Not mean, but because he wasn't the least bit concerned about me. Like always...
Also, my aunt was being fucking annoying, and my mom a bitch for no reason. I don't need this shit. I need a fucking outlet. I have nothing to turn to when shit like this or worse happens. And it's getting quite tiring.
And to top fucked up things off, I forgot to go to my locker and get my book I needed to read.. *sigh*
Anyway, I am very much looking forward to homecoming week. I hope this week starts something good and enjoyable. I hope me and my BF actually do better, and I hope nothing goes bad. Even though I won't be able to attend the Homecoming game, because I'll be at a lame ass competition I promised i'd go to for a club i'm in, I hope I can go to the Homecoming block party! :D It seems like a cool party, so HOPEFULLY, that'll suffice :)
Enought with being excited, too busy being pissed off.
Labels: events, life, school
