Saturday, October 06, 2007
18 years//♥
Two days ago, October 4th, was your 18th birthday. Maybe it wasn't.. maybe you're younger really, or older. I can't really be sure.. since I never really knew if the things you told me where the truth or a lie. And even when we weren't apart.. I always thought you'd end up doing me like you did your friends in China. I know you cared for them.. but you moved on and there was nothing you could do, right? But when you told me that.. so easy and carefree.. I honestly was disgusted by you for that moment. I could not believe you could leave your friends just like that and simply say, "There was nothing that could have been done. It can't be helped." Maybe that's true.. but you didn't show sorrow or pain or any weak points.. You just brushed it off and took it for what it was. I couldn't believe I was in the presence of a person like you. I was disgusted. And as much as I couldn't get over the ease you'd shown to me, I also couldn't shake the fear of experiencing the same thing. Honestly, the fear was a lot stronger. Maybe it's me.. maybe I'm too weak and needy.. but I just can't bare to part from those who are important to me. I'd do whatever it takes to stay with them. Or I wouldn't be able to be fully happy.. knowing what "could have been".So every time I was with you, even in anger, in silence, or even when I wasn't seen by you, I cherished those times. I truly did. I don't even know half of ANYTHING about you, but the laughs we shared, the fun we had, the problems we came across.. the way we solved them together, got in trouble together, took up for each other, helped each other out, grew closer, I knew all of that was real. No matter how many lies you've told or how many secrets you've kept, all that was real and that's all I needed. Because I was happy. Of course I was curious, but I didn't have to know about you because I enjoyed you and we enjoyed each other. That's what we had. Pure friendship. But you really don't know how much I cherished you. And you don't know how much pain I have inside of me.. bottled up from every thought of you. No matter how much I try to ignore the pain.. it keeps resurfacing. It's makes me ache, it makes me cry, it makes me feel empty. All those memories... they keep coming back to me. And you're no where around.
Maybe it's possible you feel this pain too? For your friends. You pretend to be cool, you make yourself believe you can brush it off, but really you're suffering. I remember all the pictures of them you had in your school folder. I'm sorry you had to leave them. At the same time, if you hadn't, we would of never met. But maybe, that would have been best for me.
