Wednesday, August 15, 2007
2007-2008 kills me..
Happy Sweet 16 Zhakari!! :] I really hope it turns out good. No problems today, okay? Please have fun my dear! All the best♥♥♥
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I am so depressed.. and I miss the days where I could just NOT go to school when I felt like it.. well I didn't go to school today and I feel soooooo relieved! Really.. you don't know how relieved I feel right now. But I always use to say that happiness is bittersweet when you know it'll soon be lost. In other words, I know tomorrow I have to go to school. I only have this one day to enjoy myself.. I hate that summer vacation ended so soon.
At school, we don't even have our schedules yet.. i'm away from all of my friends, all of my teachers are gone, and all these new 22 year old idiot teachers are here, and they don't know what they're doing. I didn't even like school that much last year, but I was comfortable with it. I had all the people I liked, never knew, hated and loved beside me. I was glad.. it was perfect that way. Waking up to something new everyday.. but knowing who's there to give it to you. I really enjoyed last year. And now.. it's only been 3 days, but I swear I feel it. I just know this year is going to be bad. I feel so out of place. I want to go back to last year, but I know I can't. It sucks so bad.
And knowing how stupid my school is.. me not doing my homework, missing all those days, half assing things.. and then i'm still an Honor Roll student, student of the month, top 10, top 20 of the school? It's like.. I never deserved this! I know I didn't.. because I never did my best! The school just rewarded me with it because i'm a good student and i'm not rude and disrespectful, and I'm kind. But it's not that I really am.. it's just because that's how you're suppose to be! And it just makes me wonder.. if I were to REALLY give it my all.. I bet next they'd be giving away a scholarship to me! I bet when I get to college, i'll be so stupid. Because they don't really teach me anything! They're just bullshitting around instead of being real teachers! Lets be serious.. I know I didn't deserve any of those things. I'm so tired of this stupid stupid school system and I wish I could go to a better school. Where they REALLY do their work. I don't even wanna graduate from this school.. it makes me hate school.. which is a shame.
And now i'm just remembering all my problems in the past with school.. all the useless things like, bullies and all that.. and then things done to help me cope. I realized how I don't have that anymore either. I use to come home crying.. my cat would always be there to cheer me up. At the time, it was like my only friend. And later I would escape from reality and go watch some anime in my aunt's room, lol. Or music would always be there for me. And last year my Chinese friend Ni would always be there to make my feel better. But these days, I don't have any of those anymore.. and now I'd just like a close friend to turn to. But I realized i'm lacking that too. So I don't know what to do. What happens when you run out of things that ease your heart? I have no one to turn to.. I have nothing to turn to.. nothing makes me feel better. I really can't stand it anymore. I wish I couldn't worry about small things like, what people say.. but now that I realize I have nothing to help me cope.. I really feel like crying. I feel so pathetic.
I use to put all that behind me because I knew I had a goal. I knew how badly I wanted a life in college and how badly afterwards I wanted to travel and be happy with someone I loved. But now I can't seem to feel strong about that anymore. And I just want to stay at home in my bed. I'm so tired of being this way. What shall I do..
Labels: events, life, school
