Friday, February 16, 2007
Damn..
Man...I feel so bad right now....I just wanna die. Seriously. I feel so alone and I hate myself so much..I feel so lowly and ugly..and I don't mean how I look. Just..pathetic.
I don't think i've ever felt so much pity on myself. I just wanna disappear..
And the worst thing is...I never seriously feel this way for long. Because there's a person I can look to whenever I feel down. Even when in the worst times, I can always look to that person, for 100% comfort. But today, I realized the truth. What my moms been telling me about this person. I've been in denial..I never realized it. I always thought, "No matter what happens, or how lonely I am..I can always..ALWAYS count on them to take away my pain." But now I know..I can't. I never could. This person's been doing nothing but bringing me down harder. Under my nose. Just keeping me back from everything. I know now. So much I must have missed out on loving this person..but the truth is, they can't do anything for me. If I were to die..they would never know. Ever.. and i've been relying on this person because I thought they were so great..but they're so distant. And even if they weren't, they wouldn't care a thing about me.
I feel so stupid. Dumb. Naive. I'm an idiot. I hate myself. I hate how i'm so eager to have someone like that. I have no one like that. It's so disappointing, it damn hurts. I can't even cry. I can only hate myself. Maybe that's why people do this. Because I don't love myself? How can I?
There's so many things wrong with me. I wish to change. I want to change, but I seem to fail everytime. And I keep getting hurt by people in the long run. Why does it have to be like this?? I wish I were stronger. All this time, I thought I was stronger..but I know now. I'm not. I'm so weak.
God, i'll pray to you. I promise. I need you. Please don't forget me. I'm so sorry I ignored you all this time. I'm so lazy and selfish. I need to work harder. I will. I swear..i'll change.
I really need to love myself. If I keep on, i'll do something stupid. I can still control my thoughts, I still have that. But if I keep on, i'll lose that..as well as my pride, yes?
Haha. I feel better now..I'll learn to laugh at myself and my mistakes..instead of dwelling on them, and keeping all that emotion bottled up. I'll just..smile. Or else I might explode, lol.
+-+-+
Yesterday, I stayed after school and rehearsed for the play. (Dewi..you're right, Drama is cool.) Before I knew it, it was time to go home, lol. I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay. I had so much fun with everyone. I loved it. It's been so long since i've been in a play, gah..haha. I can't wait to do the next one..(Cinderella ^.^)
My mom was late picking me up because she was at the bookstore buying my book for class and picking up other things. It was so cold outside, and we stayed so late it was dark, the doors to the school were locked!! @__@ My god, I thought I was gonna freeze my ass off! I was with Rachel, Saeko, Jammie and Toledo. They all were with me after school for rehearsal, except Toledo..he had practice and just waited with us. Rachel's ride came before we decided to walk up to Hans 2 restaurant to get some food..(and heat!) At the restaurant, Saeko kept nugging me against Toledo's back. We were sharing a seat..it was crowded! lol. She's been putting me on the spot since she found out I thought he was cute..MAN! She is sooo lame for that! She left and walked home before we went back to the school, I was so happy, xD BUT! After we ate, Jammie left too! She caught the bus...she was gonna ride with me because she didn't have any money left after ordering, but she saw her cousin and he loaned her the money. -__-
And since it was getting awkward for me and Toledo to be alone all quiet without fighting..he totally left me! After walking me back to the school.. T_T He was like, "Well I'm going to go.. and I was like, "You're not gonna wait with me?" He was like, "...No. I said, i'm going." and had the scolding look on his face! What did I do?! And what if someone attacked me?! Or my mom didn't show up?! ...ugh...so disappointing.. Toledo! Do you really dislike me? You don't fancy me at all, do you? because, damn that was low.. chivalry me not, mate. Just a "No..I said i'm going" and a cold glare like.. 'hell no I won't wait with you! What are you stupid?' Little bastard >/
Oh well...he is an evil stubborn guy, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Plus, I had fun at rehearsal so whatever. xP The little New York prince can bite me.
No school Monday..*sigh* Thank Presidents Day ^-^
That's all :]
Labels: life, school
