Saturday, June 02, 2007

Inside my Heart.. What the Hell?!?!


My god, i'm gonna fucking crack!! I am so fed up with stress. I'm so fed up with me. I'm doing everything so wrong.. why do these things keep happening to me?! I'm so sick. I keep breaking out in these.. horrible swells all over my body. Well.. not everywhere yet, but it's practically getting there. It burns a bit, but mainly kind of itches and it's always red and irritated looking. It's been like this for like... two months? I think.. maybe since like the end of April.. yeah! That entry I wrote about my tonsils?? And then the follow up in the Entry 'May Flowers'? Let me say this now, IT WAS TOTALLY NOT STREP THROAT!

My tonsils were swollen again on the opposite side.. like the other day. I keep getting swells all over me! It's so sickening!! I went to the doctor, they took my blood. They said I was fine! What the hell?! I have this shit in my scalp.. my hair is breaking and falling out. And this crap.. It's like dandruff, but it's not! It's completely the ugliest shit you've ever seen, I wanna throw up. It doesn't burn, it doesn't itch.. it's just there! In these oily patches of crud. Flakes every where. It's horrible. I've used treatments, medicated shampoos, been to a derm, no one tells me anything! And it keeps coming back!! I keep washing my hair.. it's like worse every time!

Oh, let's top something else off on this freak show. I have scoliosis all of a fucking sudden. Known for 3 years? It was fine then, but it's bad now? Oh, my bones are completely killing me.. I can't exercise how I want to anymore. Oh! And guess what? The doctors don't know where THIS came from either! I need surgery now?! I suck! I completely suck! They told me to do yoga for the scoliosis.. what do I do? Try.. and quit. What happens? Everybody hates me, and it gets worse. I'm 12% flexible out of 100% -__- The bone Doctor starts lying to me. Oh, first visit it's very bad. They mention surgery. Next visit, "Oh! She's exactly the same as last time! No worry at all." Oh.. okay. Except last time you said it was horrible and if I didn't get surgery it would worsen and make it much harder! So all of a sudden that's nothing to worry about? -___- Why is my life being toyed with? Why?

Then there's my social life and personal life. Oh, nothing much. Fake friends, horrible friends, the best friends in the world are illegal.. they run off, never see or hear from them again. Sorry family that are the most selfish cheap skate people in the world. Don't care about your feelings at all. Sorry classmates, sorry surroundings, abusive guys, take advantage of you boyfriends, stupid teachers, horrible life. And yet, so many people supposedly love me, I have no one to love. My mom is the only one. But she can't love me like I want her too. She's too selfish. God? I don't pray. I should be, with all this. But for some reason.. I just feel it's too late. I failed. I can't believe in that. Religion. It never dawned on me. I can't believe in anything anymore. I can't have hope.. it always is taken away from me. Probably because I don't really fight for it. I hate that i'm this way. But I don't even try to help myself. And I keep asking why I am under so much. Why don't I try? Am I that lazy?? Is it possible? What's wrong with me?

And who would of thought just yesterday I had such high notions about being happy? Huh, life. I'm so tired of it. I wish I could skip over the little details and rush through the problems, heading straight to where I'll be, when i'm making my living a difference. But I have to wait. And sit through it. All of it. Every second.. of this "childhood." Why? So I can continue making wrong decisions? Screw childhood! I lost that happiness when I was old enough to care for myself.
That's not 18 when you let go, like they say it is. It's at about 10. Right there. When your age is no longer a single number. That's when you're old enough to realize. It's all on me now. I remember, my life changed. Right out of elementary school. It all ended there. And I can't fix it. I have to sit through these teen years and hope I can finally travel. I can afford my own things. Hmph. People always talking about future. Well, what happens when you get off at a bad start? The beginning? I'm really sick of waiting to see what happens. I rather just end it all together. And end up dead, like I would be anyway even if I did sit through. But no.. i'm way too anxious. I'd be sick wondering what could of happened, right? Well this is why life completely and intuitively sucks.

I think... the only thing, or answer to all this. It's in my mind.. I always think of someone coming and making it all easy for me. I want someone to save me. Because i'm too pathetic to save myself. I want someone to rely on. Sure, i'll give up. But I can try later. I'll feel all happy and satisfied. And think I was just under stress and talking nonsense. But I know that this is truth. It's out for me to realize. I failed myself already. And I'm being punished. I am truly weak. Weaker than I thought I could be. And I can't be any stronger. Oh God, i'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't be independent. I always use to let myself believe that I needed bad things, so I can become strong for the worse. So I could be ready to help someone. But who would of ever thought in a situation like this I'd be needing the help for myself. And just keep wasting it away. Oh please don't let me wake up without someone. I really need you.

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♥//Blog Tunes

☆Photo Of The Moment

Strawberry Daiquiri + Lime
Even though it is the season for big alcoholic celebration, 21st coming up, this summer was the very first time I had a drink at the bar. This wasn't the first, a few lines of ignited shots were, lol, but this was one especially made for me and my friend by the bartender at the end of the night~ I say very nice touch to the end of that part day, and a happy 21st birthday to me from Ai-Tune Karaoke x3

♥//The Blogger

Hi, I'm Portia! ^~^
If you dislike Asian what-so-ever, just leave. If you're offended by anything, just say so. If you'd like to stay, you're more than welcome. But make sure you at least leave a comment on the C-BOX. Thanks! <3

Age- 22
Gender- Female
DOB- December 3rd
Astrological Sign- Sagittarius
Chinese Zodiac- Horse
Occupation- Photography~
Location- Georgia, United States
Attending- Some higher level teaching facility called "College". Fascinating, yeah?
Blogging- 6 years 5 months
I love anime, I love music, everything Kpop especially~ I love fashion, and my themes are always revolved around that. (besides my mood) This is a personal blog. Well.. 75% personal, 5% public, and 20% media. If you don't like the things I type, that's your problem and I suggest you handle it the best way fit. By NOT spamming me :D Or you could always just leave, that's a good way :P

♥//Loves..

.:.KPOP <33333
.:.Japanese stuff.. x3
.:.I’m probably the biggest
[Ayumi Hamasaki] Fan in the U.S.. who is black, xD
.:.Afternoon rain♥
.:.The break of dawn
.:.Late nights..
.:.Cute/adorable stuff
.:.Pretty & really awesome girls
.:.Cool, georgeous people..
.:.Asian girls/guys
.:.Girly clothes (even though I don't wear them)
.:.Street & Couture Fashions :3
.:.Costume Play♠
.:.Make-Up
.:.Anime(NANA, etc.)
.:.Movies
.:.MUSIC!!
.:.Mini Coopers *-*
.:.Art
.:.Males.. :3
.:.Morning Musume
.:.Vivienne Westwood
.:.Photography
.:.Vivienne Westwood
Partying~~ x3

☆//Tags plz :]

moshi moshi
If you don't know already, I answer under the name Poine.

ayumiroxallbitches@yahoo.com Yahoo!IM: littleportia
Spammers: Spam my e-mail so it can automatically TRASH. That'll save me time from hurting your feelings and killing your ego... or banning you :D

☆//PREVIOUS ENTRIES

☆//Sayonara

A-Nation {Spanish}
Jpop & Kpop
Swifty Writing
More Spastic Sentiments
Rendered Beauty
Cat Crossing
Cat Crossing 2
Silver Cascade
Kagaminya
Pink-Treacle

☆//Exit back to me

Facebook
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XANGA {2nd blog}
LJ{3rd blog}
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Best Stuff {My Loves}
Cyworld {Add if you want}

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