Saturday, April 19, 2008
.Tired friends.
The last time I checked my horoscope was Tuesday, the 15th I think, while I was at the beauty shop getting my hair done. I was recently mad at my friend for basically ruining my horrible Spring Break. Until I read what the horoscope said. It read something like: '
People are getting on your nerves a lot lately, especially for closest friends. But don't let it get to you so much. It's really the state of mind that your in, and not so much your friend's ignorance.'
That alone right there made me think about the whole situation over. I always tend to think about other's feeling in a conflict, and never just my own. That's why I tend to blow things off so much. Otherwise, I'd probably be all psychotic. But holding all that in doesn't really help either. It really wears down on me. But in this case it made sense. It's the fact that I really thought I was going to do something and got all excited about it, and threw away all my other plans for it. And then just like that, it was taken away from me. But it really wasn't so much her fault. I was just more angry because of the dissappointment. Also the bordom that came right after. So I called her while I was at the shop to tell her, but I couldn't do it. It felt right, but for some reason with her, nothing is ever taken seriously, like really. And I don't want to look like an ass being all serious when she's all, "Oh! You felt that way? HAH! You're such a loser.. ew." And then that'd just make me mad all over again.
The hard thing is. One the phone, everything goes fine. But when were together, she acts so different. I mean, it's the same, but she's like all bitchy and self centered for no reason. Even if she does notice, after it's too late though, that it's really annoying me, she says she's playing, and that's cool, but I really DON'T want to kid around all the time. I mean, what's funny about truthful insults that don't seem like "playing" anyway? It's annoying and tiring. It's like.. geez, I don't know when you're kidding or serious. It's all fucking bipolar. What the hell? Who wants to deal with that?
This is how most people see it: Oh! Your friend is an hateful ass? Dump her! There you go. Problems sovled.
The way I see it: If you rid away a bad problem that's never ALWAYS there, you're also ridding off all the adventurous, exciting, interesting, awesome, fun times.
That sucks. But I am indeed tired of it. But the thing is.. I already gave her a talk and a letter along time ago on these situations, but it didn't seem to make a difference. I'm starting to think she really just doesn't care. And then, I still think about how that one time she lied to me about a story and she went on about it like she does everything she talks about. So then.. if she lied to me in such a believeable way, and it was just like any other story she tells, how do I know she hasn't lied before? Or still does all the time? How can I trust that she really agrees with what I tell her or really gets me when I tell her how I feel? How do I know she's not just taking to see what kind of person I am and just works around it the way she thinks it works. I'll never know, you know? You can't really trust anybody. Dammit, I feel like a fucking pond in a chess game when I think about this. I try to just overlook it, but I really want to talk about it. But then I can't because she could just lie. I mean, really.. how annoying is that?
Most people, even myself would of said by now, "Omg! Dump her! What kind of friend is that?! You're an idiot! Why would you be friends with a person like that? REALLY.." But for the first time in my life, I can't even make a decision for the better of myself. I mean, God, even she's simply said, "If I'm that much trouble and you don't like it, don't be my friend." It's so simple, but what the hell! This isn't fair!
Standing problem. :/
Labels: life
